First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
