I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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