Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize