so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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