NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
