; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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