I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
