Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
