i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
