You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
