wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
