There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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