so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
