Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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