her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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