Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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