guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
