Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
