He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Randomize
