I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
