I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
