well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
i out mim tonsoeep
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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