After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Send help, water and tortillas.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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