If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
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