Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
