he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
