i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
