closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Randomize
