There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
