I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
