All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
mondays should just be called national damage control day
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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