I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize