Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
