Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Randomize
