I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
