Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
