if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
