so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
