I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
