so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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