i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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