Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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