There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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