and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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