i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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