Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
