piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
