So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
