I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Randomize
