my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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