Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
