i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
