so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
