Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
