you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
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