I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
