i think my tv is drunk
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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