Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
