You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
