her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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