I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
