Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
